And Time Passes On

I wasn't sure whether to put this here or in my esoteric blog.

Today marks the 9th anniversary of my mother's passing. Ironically, she died not long after her mother's death date, as well as the death date of my other grandmother.

I know in my heart of hearts that life is not a linear experience, something predictable and caculatable. I cannot seem to shake the irrepressible need to put dates to everything, as if it has some meaning even 24 hours after it happened. It doesn't, really. This physical existence is about experiencing different points of view from those experienced before, in other lifetimes, thru other eyes. The point of coming in and passing out of this life shouldn't be celebrated as some great event. It just means that person's time for learning here under that current perspective is done.

Actually, in one human culture- I forget which- birth is mourned and death is celebrated. They are seen as enslavement to this limited world, and release from that bondage. There are times I think they got it right, and we got it wrong. When we mourn for our deceased in my culture, we are being selfish. We are not thinking of the one who went on- we are thinking of ourselves, and having to continue down life's path with one less companion. I myself envy those who have gone over, because I remember. I remember the tranquility of the Summerlands, as we pagans call it. I remember the absolute belonging and connection and understanding that people like myself strive to find here in a world which does not support it....unless one is a true Zen master. I, sadly, am not. I miss my mom, and I miss my grandparents. I am a normal Capricorn in that respect- as my elders and mentors in this world pass over, I feel more and more alone here. I have become the elder, without really knowing why, or how to BE that part. I suppose I am not much different than others. Most older folks will tell you that mentally at least, they do not feel much older than 25. The body betrays, however, and aging takes away the agility of body that we feel, and wish, we still had. It's a terrible thing to want to be what the body will no longer allow.

See? That's why I miss my mom. After years of being lost in a bottle of alcohol, she found herself, and we spent a lot of time being and doing...she came alive for the first time in my life, and then it was taken away from her. She and I became good friends, as well as connecting as mother and child as we never had before, and then she had to leave.

It doesn't seem fair.

But, if I have learned anything in here, it is that life is rarely fair.

I miss you, mom, and I will see you again, I know. I just wish you were here still, to share things with.