Confession

Really tired, but have been wanting to make note of the fact my dad finally sent out a long lettre to family and friends. Mary herself has made the decision- no more needles. She was adamant with the oncolgist, and despite knowing it puts a lot more definitity to her time here, dad wants to abide by it. I don't think we could do anything else really, but one never finds having to accept a loved one's mortality easy.

Thursday next, Thanksgiving Day, is Dad's birthday. Mary is going out with Sandy tomorrow to buy dad a present. She is determined to keep it secret too, so don't tell him! She has the blessing of retaining a child-like outlook. The lack of consistant memory helps in that she doesn't always remember about the illness. The doctor puts her time at between nine and twelve months, and in that time, the three of us closest to this are going to try to make it as easy, painless, and hopefully happy as we can for her. It isn't easy putting on a facade when you know death is creeping up on someone, but as long as I can i will sustain it. Nothing maudlin or over-doting....just a smile, a hug, a little closer attention than before. There isn't much else to do right now.

I wasn't happy to hear from Dad that Mary took a bit of a fall when they went out to play "tennis" the other day (they bat the ball around, but it doesn't qualify as a real game.) She got some mildly skinned knees, hands and shoulder, but more than anything to me, it may mean a weakening of her reflexes. I could be over-reacting; we all have taken falls from tripping over our own shoelaces. It would be different if she was just older (77) and not also quite ill. I feel like a young mother- gonna fuss over every little incident, even when I know I have to let her do and be for herself as much as she can. She knows enough not to try to cook anymore. I suspect dad misses some of her dishes...her cookies for sure. He also has to do all the cooking now, so going to the local cafe has become more common. He's staying healthy so far, so I am not too concerned. I do watch closer than I should though.

Had a pretty stressful week, and have been going to sleep earlier than usual due to that stress. I will write more later, but the sandman is tapping on my shoulder right now, and I am compeled.